Nightmare

It's been a month to forget.

Pretty much, that sums it up. I know that I should be sitting here on the couch every night, documenting my life and my children's lives so that one day, they can look back and read about how it was, once upon a time. But as I said before, the last month...well...I'd rather just not relive it. Ever. I don't believe I have any readers for my blog other than the random family member that checks in from time to time. So, I'm sure everyone knows the basics to why I'm avoiding my cyber-writing duties. My dad passed away a month ago.

It sucks.

It sucks very badly.

It sucks so bad, that I've had almost zero will or want to do just about anything of value since it happened.

Depressed? You bet your butt I am! Angry? Heck, ya! Sad? Beyond words. I am heartsick and broken inside. So please forgive my absence. I know I wasn't the most avid blogger before, but this has been quite the hiatus...even for me. I'm functioning on basically all of the lower levels right now. You know...hygiene, eating, drinking, taking care of the kids. Anything nonessential is just pointless for now.

My dad was so wonderful. He was the kind of man who never met a stranger and his laugh was infectious. He was the best grandpa you could ask for and now? Now he's gone. I know he's healed and flying high in the loving arms of our Lord now. But that doesn't help my hurt go away. The worst of it is watching my mom shatter into millions of pieces each day and watching her fall into my arms so I can keep her from hitting the ground. Telling my children that their grandpa died was the hardest, most horrible thing I've ever had to do. Hearing their cries and watching their hearts break was torture.

Each day, I wake up and think it was was just a nightmare that I am leaving behind, only to remember that it is all too true. Each day I cry, even if it's just while I take a shower. I miss my dad. I miss him more than I ever thought possible. At his funeral, I had the honor of giving a tribute to him. I also had the honor of writing his obituary. If one can call that an honor.

I don't know what else to say about it, but I owe it to my family/friends that try to keep up with my life through this blog to at least explain my disappearance. But don't worry. It's not just my blog that got back-burnered. I can't even seem to write on facebook anymore. And my book? That one I just published? Yeah. Don't care. Will I get back into the swing of life again? Will I go back to blogging? Yeah. I'm sure of it. Just not today.

So what can I tell you from my living nightmare? Hug your parents. Tell them you love them. Tell them how much they mean to you. If they do something that drives you crazy, cherish it. You'll miss the crazy when they're gone. Take pictures of them...with your kids. Be appreciative of them. Be thankful for them. Because you still have them. You never know how much you miss someone...

...until they're gone.

Miss you dad. Love you.

(My dad's obituary...if you're interested.)