One year

One year ago today, I said goodbye to one of the greatest men in my life - my dad. It's been a year to remember but yet, also a year to forget in many ways. I still spend hours crying to myself when no one is watching. Sometimes, I'll be out shopping or just picking up the mail and I'll see a man walk by out of the corner of my eye. I blink and my heart skips a beat because it looks just like my dad. A couple of those times, the resemblance was uncanny and time slowed down as I awkwardly stared at the person who probably didn't even notice I was there. I come up with stories in my head and tell myself that maybe the government needed him for a secret project and he really did know a secret agent. They faked his death and he's still out there somewhere. Watching us from afar. Protecting us from unseen danger.

But then I blink again. And he's gone.

I told myself that first year would be the hardest. I can't prove that yet, but perhaps it is true. The first holidays each stung like salt in an open wound. First birthdays were nearly as bad. With each first that passed, I couldn't stopper the fresh pain that I felt. The scab over the hole in my heart was ripped off and I felt like I couldn't manage my emotions all over again.

But I survived.

One year ago, life turned upside down. Every day became the "new normal". I miss my dad. I miss him more today than I did yesterday and I don't think this will ever stop. I talk to him sometimes when no one is watching. I pretend he's out there with me when I'm taking a walk alone, telling me to keep going while smiling his goofy smile. When I'm driving, I feel the emptiness of the seat that he so often sat in when I took him to his many appointments. Too often, the pain peaks again still today. And for my mom, I can only pretend to fathom the heartache she must cope with daily. It's been a year. I never woke up from my nightmare like I hoped I would. At 8:36 p.m., October 3, 2013, I spoke to my dad for the last time for a whole two minutes. I don't remember if I told him I loved him or if I even said bye. I just remember talking to him about a tv show he was taping for me and my mom. I was in a rush to get the kids to bed and didn't have time to talk. I'll regret that moment for the rest of my life. If I would have talked longer, would he still  be here today? I was sure that when the clocked turned 8:36 p.m. on my phone, that I would blink one more time and open my eyes to one year ago. The phone would ring, and it would be him on the other line. I was so sure of this, that I stared at the phone until it turned. I waited one whole minute for the phone to ring, barely breathing. When it turned 8:39, my heart fell. I left the house, telling Josh I needed something from the store. For a whole year, I convinced myself that I was being taught a lesson from God and that he wanted me to live this year without dad so I could know how much he meant to me, in true It's a Wonderful Life fashion. The 'in denial' phase is over now. The pain is getting easier to deal with. But it's always there. Always reminding me how much I loved him. How much he meant...will always mean to me. It's been a year, and the pain is still here.

But I'm doing okay.

Miss you dad. Love you always.